jane eyre (2011)

apparently there's been like 373598475 versions of jane eyre and i'm quite surprised because it's kind of a boring story. this is going to be my laziest review ever so here it goes. it's about a girl who gets shipped off to boarding school because her aunt is a bitch. the all girl boarding school is run by these dickheads who punish her for dumb stuff. she eventually gets out of there and starts working as a governess at this place run by the lady from james bond and mr. rochester who is played by michael fassbender (i only watched this movie because of him hehaheheahehe)

mr. rochester is kind of an ass but he starts coming on to her and they fall in love. jane finds out that he is married to some crazy lady who lives in an asylum. blahb lahblah a bunch of shit happens to her like she gets all this money from her dead uncle and mr. rochester is still in love with her so they live happily together amen.

5 OUT OF 10

the tree of life (2011)

for a while, i was very skeptical about watching this movie. i thought it would be some avant garde shit and we'd be staring at a tree for like 2 hours. but thank god it wasn't. i don't even know how to explain this movie but basically it's about the origins and the meaning of life. it focuses on the memories of a family living in the 50s. the family features some broad, brad pitt, and his non-adopted children (good for him). he's a major dick to his kids especially to his son jack. in the present day, jack seems to be a bit depressed. he sees a tree being planting outside of his workplace which reminds him of his past.

it's an experimental movie with a nonlinear storyline. it can be a little hard to focus at times but it's definitely a film to experience at least once. i could see myself watching it a few more times in the future.

7.5 OUT OF 10

fucked up film: we need to talk about kevin (2011)

i'm usually not the type of person who enjoys hyped-the-fuck-out movies. i remember dragging my dad to see inception with me in theaters and i hated it so much. my dad was like, "WHY DIDN'T YOU LIKE IT?? YOU WANTED TO SEE IT!" and i was like, "well it got really good reviews and all of my friends liked so i thought i would too..". after that i realized how other people's opinions are kinda shit unless you go out and see it for yourself.

we need to talk about kevin has been getting pretty nice reviews which is great. but was it the reason why i wanted to watch it? fuck naw. the first time i watched the trailer my jaw instantly dropped. it's a story about a mother played by tilda swinton who is trying to get her life back together after her son went on a high school killing spree. she feels responsible for her son's actions but personally i felt that kevin was the spawn of satan. the events in the film are shown out of chronologically order which can be slightly confusing at points but it all makes sense towards the end which by the way is breathtaking.

this movie is definitely fucked up too. oh fo fucking sho. one scene shows kevin jacking off and his mom accidentally opens the door and he looks at her all angry and continues on. there's also a few sex scenes featuring dr. steve brule and i'm just going to leave it at that.

FUCKING UP RATING: 8 OUT OF 10
OVERALL: 9 OUT OF 10

fucked up film: requiem for a dream (2000)

i feel like i've been missing out on this movie for a long time so i decided to check it out last night. i've only seen one darren aronofsky film and that was black swan. i kinda knew what to expect from hearing about the ass to ass scene and that fucking song you hear in every cliche dramatic youtube video.

anyway its about four people with addictions which is mostly heroin and then you got an old lady who is into diet pills. most of these characters annoyed the fuck out of me so i honestly didn't feel SHOCKED by their actions. for example, jared leto's character was constantly injecting heroin into the same place in his arm. if you keep doing that, it's going to get infected.

you had it coming dickhead

the only thing that kinda shocked me was the girl who has sex with her therapist to get money from him. then she meets up with a pimp and does a sex show with another girl. that was interesting..

i can't see myself watching this ever again. it makes a good psa for teenagers to not do drugs but its so over dramatic. check out the basketball diaries instead or even better, TRAINSPOTTING.

FUCKED UP RATING: 7 OUT OF 10
OVERALL: 5.5 OUT OF 10

clean, shaven (1993)

clean, shaven is about a schizophrenic man named peter (played by peter greene) who is trying to find his daughter after he is released from a mental institution. he's also being followed by a detective who thinks he killed some girl. this is probably one of the most unforgettable films i've ever watched. peter green's performance is outstanding and i wish he would've done more drama films like this. he's also a major babe..

if you're very sensitive to self-mutilation (yes. there's a few graphic scenes) you may want to stay away from this. BUT, you will be missing out on a great movie.

8.5 OUT OF 10

fucked up film: martha marcy may marlene (2011)

(don't worry yall she wasn't killing anyone in that scene above)
martha marcy may marlene is about a girl named martha who escapes a cult that is kind of manson-esque. she calls her older sister lucy from a payphone and she picks her up and takes martha to her awesome lake house with her hot british boyfriend who supports chelsea fc. martha has been away for two years so she's been under a lot of shit. she keeps having flashbacks about the cult and lucy and her boyfriend ted are always like "what the fuck is wrong with you martha?" constantly. martha never tells them about the cult and makes it seem like she was just in a bad relationship. martha is super paranoid that the cult members are out looking for her. i'm not going to ruin the story for anyone but its a decent movie. there's like two rape scenes or so. that's why i declare it a fucked up film.

a lot of people say oh this is so chilling and nerve wrecking but i didn't feel that way throughout until like the last five minutes. i guess i've just seen too many fucked up films...

FUCKED UP RATING: 6 OUT OF 10
OVERALL: 6.5 OUT OF 10

caché (2005)

cache is about a married couple who get surveillance video tapes and the whole movie they're trying to figure out whose doing it. most of the tapes show their house, the husband's childhood home, and other places. you never find out who is exactly making these tapes but you suspect a bunch of people like their friends, the husband's old "friend", the old "friend"'s son, and even their own son. people say you gotta watch it like a bunch of times to get it but i find that kind of dumb. i don't mind some endings that make you guess what will happen next but that concept seems a little pointless for this movie.

i didn't find myself getting to into it. the characters were a little annoying and it kinda made me want to fall asleep but that's because it was like 4am when i finished watching it. but overall it was a decent film. it's definitely not my favorite michael haneke film but it's still a good watch. if you're not into films that make you guess a lot then this is not for you.

6 OUT OF 10